Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You need Xanax blowdarts
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
