Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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