DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
