you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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