if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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