You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
