please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
