is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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