I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You made out with two different species that night
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
