she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
