Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
the condom got lost in my hair
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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