I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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