3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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