I'm gonna have a badass scar
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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