If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
