OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
thus making me awesome and them whores
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
