you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
