He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
