also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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