she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
