He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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