I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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