I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
