Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
