ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
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I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
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I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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