i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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