this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
