every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
