Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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