I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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