just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
