Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
