Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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