So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
