My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
