Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
