nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
