I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
