Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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