Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
