This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I puked a lego.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
