while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
