He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
