They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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