I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
