So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
