I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
