I will die if light touches me.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
