got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
