I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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