a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
