This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
