Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
