Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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