How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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