a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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