Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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