Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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